prayer of a daughter, granddaughter, friend or love

The sky is quiet and grey over the city and there's a cool breeze in the air this morning.  I'm letting it blow through the open windows. Quiet Flamenco Sketches plays over the sound of the cars as they hum along to Miles on the freeway. I slept in past 9,  much to the cat's dismay, but he is content now that I am alive- having my tea and paging through my bible. The smell of baking sweet potatoes and herbed chicken is making me miss my flour dusted Grandmother this morning. 
I'm going to pray for the empty world in her compassionate absence at church this evening and for the angels beside her that wrap protection around us from their castles of cloud and  lofted pillows of wind. 

I will pray for you, reader, as you wander in the wilderness seeking to find truth through the deceptive trees of earthy desires and wispy fog of  attachment. 
Your mother watches over you and guides you now as ever- though now she is ethereal and pixelated in the eye of your mind. I will pray that your heart realizes where your home is and that your feet  find their path to it. No matter in the mossy country or dusty city or in the fragrance of paradise-  look for my light in your night and know that God draws you near. 

For JAH&VEV

crucifixion of joy

So many things hang heavy on my mind this morning-

In the hours of lost breath and sadness

thoughts are not immaterial or weightless.

They are weighted like lures

Deep below the water

And sleep is not heavy. 

Is my breath wasted in this metal trap? 

At this hour of sorrow what could assure my dreams?

When love is dancing and evaporating into the mist of morning 

I am enveloped in its absence and

I gasp to keep my lungs inflated 

Despite their fragility.

The air is lucid and conducive for sleeping, 

Awake yet, i struggle transcend grieving 

Praying for the clarity 

And rest for my love 

Not yet at peace in the pieces of the cross. 

So many things hang heavy on my dreams 

And still...

Rest will come after the passage of mourning, 

Though nailed forever to the walls of my heart.

Goodness & Light

I like music but I can’t dance

And I can’t sing

I like lights because I am one

And I can shine

I like you but I can’t pretend

And I won’t lie

The sound of the shade is dark

To me

And I can’t sleep on that side

For long

Before I’m tired and dim

The designs of the smoke look pretty to some

The signs of the ending look pretty to some

Oh, I’m waiting for the morning

Hoping I look pretty

To you

That's when you show the most

To me
Do you see what I see?

alive

I was five I was five

She brushed my long hair

She was alive

Blonde and knotted

Oh, what she was allotted

She took that and combed it too

She got through

She played that hand

She was dealt

And she was always dealing

With the lies with the lies

She stayed alive

I got through too

Blonde in waves and knots

We loved what we got

Together we held hands

And she sang an old song

We always got along

Though he lied though he lied

She held me tight

Though I misbehaved

I didn’t care I didn’t care

She held me tight

Through the country nights

She was alive and she held me tight

The crickets and the mice

She sang me to sleep

Though I misbehaved

I was five I was five

I wish she was alive

 

the ships we build to sail to the stars

we were born to sail
though i know not all are
i know that we were
when the sun splits the clouds
above the waters
we know the Guide still shines on us
and what glistens upon the waves
disperses our doubt
and we continue our task
When the stars spit and spark
above the ether
we know the Guide still shines on us
and what tears the darkness
disprses our weakness
and we continue our prayer
we build these ships
we are sucessful
our ascention is impending
as we bulid and pray
as our mother leads the way
into the crystalline sky
we build our vessels to meet her
by her, the lord is worshipped
by her we are guided
into the cystalline waters
above and below
there is no separation
the water and sky are one matter
her prayer and our hands are one matter
when she has sailed
we will build our ships
the breath on her lips
sings us home


"according to ancient Chinese Thinking the Heavenly bodies represent the quintessesnce of sublimated matter acending and crystalizing into stars" Heavenly Anscestor

Dedicated to BJC

Makeup with yourself

Makeup with yourself, girl

Breakup with your love, girl

You are bare now 

Alone now

Now,

Do you love yourself, girl? 

Makeup on your eyes, babe 

Break up that disguise, babe

It feels unfair now 

Uncontrolled now 

Now, 

who really loves you, babe? 

Make it up- you're just fine, right?

Break it up, feisty 

But it feels like a fight now 

Like it can't be made right now 

Who do you love now? 

You packed up your things, girl

He jacked up your heart, girl

Nothing is as it was now

Your heart awoke  in a new time 

Where will it live now? 

Who will you forgive now? 

look within when they have gone

when i fell asleep i felt her life veil close
somewhere far from where i laid my head
when she slipped away her veiled face arose
somewhere in the otherworld she bowed her head
(to me)

doors of life and death
opening and closing
sleeping and awakening
rising and descending
nothing becomes the entry
through the doors(of life and death)

what can we do when the path is ours,
when leaders we have loved have passed?
what can we create of our wisdom
when guides have acended our road?
it is not ours to know
forever just reap and sow
until our hands are not our own

when i awoke i felt her life breath unfold
somewhere deep inside my blood
when she surged in my veins my face arose
somewhere in my expanse i bowed my head
(to me)

windows of life and death
like eyes opening and closing
sleeping and awakening
leaving and arriving
nothing becomes the difference
through her windows and mine
through her breath and mine
(saluations to the devine)

runnin & gunnin. it's nuthin.

so now we think we are evolved.
running on two feet
sophisticated & polished paws-
don't forget, we're fresh meat.
treading mills beneath our soles
burn away what kept us warm.
sophisticated and polished souls,
forgetting things that kept us warm.

locked and loaded words and news
running running story lines,
running running out of time.
sophisticated, polished and confused.

so now we think we run this place,
pulling triggers all the time.
changing features & keeping face,
educatd on reason & rhyme.
treading days like water holes
passing time and making names-
such sophisicated, polished goals...
hollow dreams and shallow graves.

running running on two feet,
So now we think we are refined.
running running story lines
with sophisticated, polished jaws.
so now we think we have it all.

final call for wisdom

I die by each moment that drops
Drip dropping ageless and masterful
What women can counsel the way that flesh and blood can?
Tender fingers weave generations and braided strands
Braids and breads
Hearts and degrees
We survive on yeast & trust
Recipes or trust funds
Timelessness gifts us commandments and medicine
Memories and wastefulness if we choose
Wastelands and storybooks
We think we know our footing
We think we know it all
Years weep drops of wisdom
The Heart can treasure it
But can never contain it
For we love without tradition
And think without comprehension

who are these souls we choose to be?
As our beloved slip away from us
We see their dimming eyes go out
But their eternal lights never go out
Ageless and masterful
They always light the way for us
Through love and life and death
My spirit reflects their legacy
Remind me of who I'm supposed to be
Through love and life and death
I hold their candles diligently
Should they leave me with money or lessons
Should they leave me unwilling to let them go
They can not leave me now
They can not leave me now...

grandmother (wilderness)

we let the last candle burn down tonight
it's so dark outside, we need just a little light
i remember when this time of night was early
and you were barefoot and flour dusted in the kitchen 
time was just the clock on the stove
troubles were drowned in cinnamon and clove
i don't know why God let you get this old

we let the years burn down tonight
it's so dark outside, the angels provide a little light
I remember when this time of life seemed early
when i was a child and made believe 
It seems I've grown so far away 
these roots became my only knowing 
how will i face my troubles so far from home?
without the comforts of cinnamon and clove
I don't know why God let me get this old
from out here i see your candle glowing
leave your chores and be with me
rest in my branches, grandmother tree 
the angels will be our saving light 

to the fool that broke my boyfriend's heart

You were long before me
Yeah, i know it's been a while.
i know...
you're just yesterday's deceptive smile.
just like laundry, you're a dirty pile
and I'm sorting through your pockets.
through the echo of your linty shouts,
through the residue of your lies-
and i'm onto you.
i'm airing you out.

the letter of the law can't protect you here,
my jurisdiction is vast and fair, my dear.
if you were true, there's nothing to fear
but i've seen your mean mug on that shot
like smoke you snaked from getting caught-
but here's my little six shoe to your face...
i'm the lesson you were never taught.

there are things he never told you.
like how he lost faith in and resented you,
That he wanted to breathe apart from you-
the way that fish from water struggle,
the way that Faustus consorted with the devil.
but the deepest layers of this man's eternity
are now unfolding caverns beneath you.

you can pretend I'm not inside your head,
pretend that you are blameless instead.
but those things you did
all those things you said
They've been recorded on ancient scrolls.
despite your regret, a redemption bell tolls.
i can see the pay back
waiting your other side
that karmic force won't let you hide-
and i won't even have to leave my bed. 

yeah, i suppose you never broke his heart,
you just ripped his trust apart.
But you got taken out in cuffs
So i'll just keep calling all your bluffs,
you poor fool...
you should have let his heart go free.
you shouldn't have crossed the one for me.
all that is good will come for you.
all that is good will come from out of my blue.
and if we feel so moved...
Just maybe we will pray for you.

snowmen, a good omen

If you could know the future, would you be down for it?
If that chair was there would you sit down for it (again)?
I wouldn't ruin those surprises, if I could know them.
If I was clairvoyant I would stand there (again).
If you had to fight and I had to cry all over again, would we?
Even if it meant we had to slight and try again?
I would.
For the sake of tea and dead books
For lips and eyes and being home
For when I share my bed with two cats I can only smile for the sake of those cat naps
So what- the snow came upon us unexpectedly?
So what- the glow came upon us unexpectedly?
I wouldn't want to guess it
(for once)
I wouldn't want to mess it
(Up with my clarity)
I'd rather see it snowing
Not knowing
All there is about snowmen.
Just glowing
in the hope of this good omen.

In my garden I grow heaven

In a land where greening hills are clothed
in swaying herbs and wild ivy
I run fleshed-footed and flush-faced
Soft and full of love
grandmothers ribbons
Adorn my playing arms and untamed hair
I run wide-eyed and open minded there
Across the crossroads
of a gentler planet
Foot souls rooted to the ground
Palms reaching solely for heaven
Four palms and seasons of plenty and rest
Bring your brimming eyes
to the ceiling of the skies
Draped in dewy stars
guarded by azure giants
You will be celestial and silver-lined
Muddy-kneed you can crawl
To the middle-earthen core of
Mosaics of memories covered in moss and weeds
All is soft and full of love
beneath our feet

Nothing Deeper

I watched the waves one night
On that lonely coast
When I was broken
Like the glass in the sand
And that sunset was the last stand
Between me and what laid ahead
But I lost my face to the fight
and I faded away into the night instead
And there was nothing darker

I wept in a snow bank one night
In that haunting forest
When I was frozen
Like the time that trapped me there
When the clocks stopped ticking
And I didn't know what day it was
So I lost my warmth to the twilight
Fading away into the chill
And there was nothing colder

I woke up in the sun this morning
In a pool of golden light
I thought I was dreaming
But there was nothing deeper.

aligning

the stars hang a little closer to earth tonight
the moon sings a gentler lullaby, everything's alright
and tomorrow the sun is going to rise up extra bright
i'm flying through spaces of dark and light
he catches glimpses
and searches for me
rockets and comets feel the change descending
constellations and heavenly bodies are ascending
i am glowing
and heaven feels it
feet rooted to the ground, hands lift to the sky
My strength has be found, lifted so me high
the stars align back around, back to my first try
I am growing
and heaven can feel it
lost then found, the stars came back around

in the rushed sunset of withering summer

She sits and watches the last of sunset
Hopes to find her reflection in the blushing sky
When did the red rush in?
How can she slow it down?
The sky, patchwork like the cat in her favorite book
Gorgeous and purring
When did she stop reading that story?
It's been in broken boxes
With the poems of broken hearts
Patchwork dreams and pieces of Christmastime
She sits unwithered in the withering hues of the ripened season
She finds her reflection in the eyes of a warrior
When did sun start to dip?
How can she slow it down?
The patchwork of her youth and catty loves
Dip away, Leaving her
Gorgeous and purring
She takes her rushed heart out of the broken boxes

Transmitter, Receptor.

It's not just all in my head.
We could float in the same space
For a lifetime.
So close we could touch,
So close we could laugh-
For a while.
We could float along
But we could never bond.
I could tie my arms,
You could hide your legs
But the fit would always be wrong.
Mixed signals...
Fragmented sequences...
Deteriorated communication...
leads to chemical imbalance
And broken hearts.
Two wrong shapes can share space
But always be apart.

body language

I am somewhere inside the flame of a lakeside campfire
Swaying and burning beneath the stars
I am moving toward the center, glowing brighter
Cracking and sparking beside the water
And I am brighter than the night
Flooding into the deepest pockets
My eyes are spotlights shining
Into the shadowed unknown
Blue and lucid
I am the reflection of the comets
That tail streaking light across the smile of the moon
A child of the northern guide
I grace the lost with illumination
When the shadows steal their vision
A camp, the North Star, my fingers
I am somewhere
Between the light of dawn
And the turbidity of midnight
Swaying and burning beneath the Great

unrequited fool

here she is
again
terrified and ragged.
but now,
she's not at your door
not under your sheets
not under your skin
she's shedding
she's gone
onto the machine
into the gears
again
she's a shaken doll
missing a few buttons
missing a few hairs
missing you.
but now,
you let her go
you let her cry
you just let her.
you think she'll beg
again
unkept and hollow.
but now,
she's emptier than that
a vase without flowers
a doll without hair
unrequited
again
and now she's just a fool.

write me right

you wrote me a note
on notebook paper
I was fourteen
and i read it one hundred times

you wrote me a letter
on plain paper
(a little tattered)
you told me I mattered
to you
I was seventeen
and I kept it for five years

you wrote me an explanation
on a computer screen
we didn’t know what it would mean
two thousand miles apart
eight years ago
I tried to delete it one time

you wrote me a note
folded over six times
while I was lost in the woods
I read it every day
two years ago
and you said it was always me
and I wanted it to be

you wrote me poems
more than i could count
and you stole my breath
and my heart skipped beats
too many times to count

one day
your writing was done
in one moment gone
and words were just words
and you wrote me off
and i wrote you goodbye
and we were once upon a time

if you write me again
i’ll read it
probably a hundred times
and i’ll lose sleep again
two hours of sleep
to read what you write
because even if we’re wrong
you can always write me right