sorry sunlight

when the six o'clock sun hits the pantry wall
is it too late then, to undo the day?
or do I have until the moon hangs
above the tree line
to say that i wish i had not?

words, words

mine are said. yours expired on the wall.
and now the sword of sunlight
stabs the countertops
six o' clock
and glowing, sinking

nightfall, moon beams

i see that we have not mended, and will not.
and i wander around my apology-
hanging heavy
in dew drops stepping
through the grassy yard

sorry, sorry

fear of aging*

someday the hours won't pass by so quickly
we won't be as fickle or as eager to change
you'll write your stories slowly
i'll match tea cups to saucers
watching the kettle on the stove

something in the library smells of clove
catalogs of recipes and books about gardens
perhaps you'll puff a pipe
and maybe i'll still be singing

the humorous murder

she laughed while the light slipped away
and tears fell with september raindrops
squirrels on the fence chattered
dropping their acorns, playing tag

the mailman was late and flipped the red flag
the spiders on the mailbox swung about
she smashed them with her glove and smiled
the letters were wet and dark with spider legs

it was a funny light sinking away too quickly
something smart and green hung low, following her
but the Tudor door thudded heavily behind footsteps
and she laughed at the lipstick on her smudgy mouth

the moment when someone leaves and returns: all at once*

pulling...
you're pulling me up
while i'm falling down
above...
now i'm above it all
(flowers, signs
limbs and cars)
grab me again.
but you're closer now
(close enough)
to save me this time
unchained melody
we hum again
spinning wheels
shiny fixtures
humming again
escape routes are few
(me and you)
check my pulse again
i stopped beating
stopped pumping
while you were away
drumming
fingers on the dash
(let's keep driving)
i can't ask again
find your voice to tell me
beat your wings
flutter your eyes
you've only just arrived

fooling the crowd*

i'm the girl that smiles
i'm the one who loves you
there's bliss in the air
i'm breathing you in
my pulse beats faster
faster than it ever has
i'm the girl counting
seconds years days
paying the toll of waiting
when they see me
they're bewildered by me
spoiled sweetness in the sky
soaring above the sidewalks
I'm the one smiling for you
wings and halos hang tight
in the back of my drawer
later i'll find them there
but tonight i'll smile for you

for the other girls

pale lips look sad and tired
make them red to be admired

little lashes make you sleepy
waterproof ink won't run leaky

bustier laces coin you trampy
pearls & ribbons shabby campy

sideways glances at the pages
leave you wanting previous ages

doting men kiss taller models
you float inside silver bottles

curly, curly locks of hair
bouncing, bouncing everywhere

straighten out. add some dye
day to day a manicured lie

cousin

For Aaron
cool afternoons found us marching
into the back rooms of grandmother's house
we paged through hours of musty books
and toyed with paint- chipped animals
best friends and makers of mischief
you fell asleep, your head on my lap

snowy holidays found us laughing
about water guns and rusty swings,
when you flipped cards and won games
so we stacked the deck for old times
best friends and makers of mischief
we hugged before driving our highways

icy reunions found us dodging waves
of mixed up, distant relatives
and we laughed in spite of the fighting
while we stole away for a handful
of moments to stack up memories and
deal out the last seconds of childhood.

through flurries of thoughts
hidden dirt roads find me driving
as i leave your doorstep
missing you is a frigid place to be
where scrabble tiles and cards fall
and we run again to grandmother's.

what you never thought*

did you ever think that you would end up here again?
inside the dusty corridors of my winding mind, i mean.
i suppose that you would blush and turn away
if you knew you never left. that i never did recycle
your heart away along with my old cds. you lingered
much, much longer than the tired music of my youth.
turning up here and there to haunt my relationships.
i laugh, knowing that you are the friendliest of ghost.
you are always welcome in my closet or under my bed,
with the dust and wondering socks. i wish you would.
stay, i mean. under my bed or next to me. you could.
you've spooked my contentment, leaving me afraid of
commitment and i leave the cobwebs on your picture.
i'll keep you here, boyish and full of jokes,
our decades old laughter hanging on the walls.
portraits of wishes and regrets never fading completely.
i'll play the piano again, wearing my grandmother's rings,
clicking on the keys with every note that i play for you.
When you've realized you're still here, you'll come home.

revisit

how long could our love last?
not forever, you've said.
nothing lasts forever, you said.
then, i knew we wouldn't last.

you're taking to long to think.
i'm leaving you, i've said.
and i spoke what shouldn't be said.
you never wonder what i think.

i'm braver in my wishes.
do you think i could make it?
without you, i think i can make it.
i am too distant from my wishes.

the seaside is a haunting place
with shores of wanting.
it leaves me hollow and wanting,
looking to sleep and fill your place.

revisit this doorstep in five years.
the empty knocking on my heart
and the regrets of following my heart
will find me missing out on happy years.

where does the highway end?*

at the end of the highway
you'll find me spinning
on the back of a pickup
a rudder in a lake breeze
full of weeds and desires
where we merge to one lane
and you keep me turning

wipe away the grease spots
over the grey film of my eyes
illuminating headlights flash
across the faded yellow lines
where highways end and endless
loves merge into faded lines
you'll find me spinning

technological breakdown

you found me here clicking, clicking
under the glow of the screen
in sync we lay down ticking, ticking
i wonder what it could mean

i am making pictures, cutting, pasting
you've left the door ajar
to stay connected to my linking, wasting
i'm dreaming of things afar

drowning in the blue of background
we've lost our voices
swimming the tides of background
i've made my choices

see me blurred and fading
losing connection
tired from the wading

shutting down

love renovation

you say that i am a renovator
the builder of your dreams
giving your heart a make-over
sewing you up at the seams

i reconstructed an old laughter
in your eyes and on your lips
a room for our past-time chatter
and a place your hands on my hips

the highest towers of circumstances
i'm constructing our fate
the floorboards creak with chances
hideaways are worth the wait

can i craft something to last forever
if it rests on quicksand?
a refurbished miracle keeps us together
don't give me your heart- only your hand.

crisis of character

in only one second
beating hearts
distant castles
i let you in
fireworks
and taken
opportunities
you were right there

quiet drives
summer nights
watching your hand
lonely on the wheel
can i save you?
would you have me?
sunsetting on fields
changing loves

one choice reacts
to one situation
one day i wake
to find i have changed
myths of contentment
fool my hands
and now they search
for yours

this happened before
i thought i could
stop it
but i could never
stop it
my choices are my own
i let you in
i wish you were right here

one choice reacts
to one situation
in only one second
i let you in
who am i now?

alternate ending

two cigarettes were burning slowly and i prayed that they would never die down. orange tips glowing in the woods. we stood still as statues on the outside but trembling jericho walls on the inside. you caught me staring into your eyes. you just caught me. we said we could have been forever. we said that we didn't care what they thought. guns and distances tore away our time before, but now it would take the world to burrow through us like weeds in concrete. it would take rings and whispers. and even then, maybe we would fight for it. our words. they hung like street lights on shadowy nights. they hang on my heart tonight. what does your intuition tell you? it told me to follow you down the highway. it told me to run through the rain towards you. teenage dreams unfolded there, and again. you remembered my clothes. how did you? you loved me. how could you? i am glad that you did. endless summer nights. how i wish they were. alternate endings, cosmic twists of fate. we were standing alone again. realizing how lucky we used to be, how close we were to another lifetime. my psychobabble made sense to you. it made sense to kiss your cheeck and say goodbye. close your eyes, because next time we'll choose this.

wish for an adventure

another dream about the Shire finds me with open eyes and one sock on the floor. my hometown is thousands of miles away. my mossy hideaways and cloud creatures have floated to another girl's backyard. age fades me some days, but i am still river riding barrels beneath Lonely Mountain and riddling in the dark. you try to hold me here but i am lost most of the time. losing sleep and writing tales. searching for a map to Rivendell. something about wine from the bottle and unnecessary candlelight lulls me, and i hear an ancient song. where is my pillowcase of treasures? tinkerbell lipstick and mother's german coins. i would have ventured to Middle Earth and back with just these tokens. inside invisible elven cloaks, i'm hiding here tonight.

for one night*

last night we went to the fair
lights and songs in the rain
smoke and cheap beer everywhere
bobbing, weaving was our own game

ten years lurking behind us
it was worth the downpour,
the highway robbery, the fuss
i wanted you, nothing more

it was necessary to see you
to by sure the glow was still there
be sure your love for me was true
it was. and we hugged at the fair

i felt your warm stare fall on my face
ten times as i drank from plastic cups
i blushed, you beamed, love was everyplace
striped tents leaked as yellow lights lit up

i was the happiest refugee, in your arms
for one night i was nowhere to be found.
only you. only me. sneaking into your arms
the warm rain kept falling on the ground.

maybe you could have stayed above
maybe we would have stayed safe
maybe i should have chosen your love
(maybe it would have rained everyplace)

you still want me
in your heart
i still want you
rain, rain
soaks my heart

go to bed, kitty

silly kitty i can sing you a funny tune
make you scuffle and dance about the room
find your little jingle bell
cast your little kitty spell

darkness*

the darkness inside of me is spilling like
scalding coffee and burning the last
parts of you that are still hanging onto
the light while my blackness steals your
breath and strangles your trust. don't
pretend that you don't read my letters.

the secret parts of me that you thought
you knew are twisting labyrinths of secrecy
and my desires are climbing higher than
the stairways you build to my heart.
suddenly i am sinking into stinking piles
of laundry and the darkness feels right.

the darkness of a warm summer night is
Shakespearean and romantic, cloaking
lovers in secrecy. but my darkness is
like the bottom of a deep ocean cave-
lifeless, loveless. you'll drown before
i love you and i'll leave before you know.

escape

If I knew you, Anne Frank
there's no time left. here. grab your scarf.
urgency and the pain of farewell are illuminated
by the way you lean against the window
by the way the stained lace curtain hangs
(reminding me of mother's floured apron).
there is danger here in the light of the slivered,
crescent moon and you must grab your coat.

creaking hinges. rusty skeleton keyhole. photos rest now.
cupboards and closets house our memories and lifetimes
and the love we shared on christmas morning,
cider and cookies hang on my mind like a spicy fog.
but it's true that we might die in the street
tonight. the rattle of keys and the shuffle of feet
send me flying and send you to find your breath.

your mitten lays for years on the wooden floor
after you've dropped it, long after you you've vanished
from this place. when i see sparkled sun across the river
i see shards of broken hazel in your sparkling eyes.
i see your tiny face light up as you opened your present.
beautiful refugee. in my dreams, you escaped every time.

bad behavior*

stealing away out the side door
looking for muddied knees
a childhood breeze
and unprocessed sunlight
stepping around soda cans
to leave unnoticed again

i'll drink down a stale day
searching for waterfalls
and the sound of whispering
ferns, exhaling deeply
the leftover shadows of noon
carving your name in tree trunks

standing tall, i am still small
beside the weary cedars
ashes strip down to nothing.
i ignore his call into the wind
losing my grace with every step
i'm on a path to darker woods

i'll slip back in through a cracked
window try to hide my dusty feet,
deny the flush in my cheeks.
he holds me like i'm a child
smelling the open air and grass
in my hair. i'll stay here tonight.