Thursday, December 22, 2011

the weight of the world

i'm feeling tiny tonight.
an eyelash
a grain of sand
a seed
i'm feeling the miles tonight.
the distance wears
and grinds like salt
on snowy tires
and i'm worn away
and cold.
i'm feeling tired tonight.
a runner
a boxer
a blanket
i'm feeling that exhaustion tonight.
the promises fall
and droop
like eyelids
and i'm missing innocence
while i sleep.
i'm feeling irresponsible tonight.
a teenager
a train wreck
some graffiti
the mistakes splatter
and smear like blood
on the floor
and i'm sorry.
and i'm turning it off now.

baggage & boxes

i can't remember how i got here. do you know- were you with me? i must have unpacked those boxes because these are my candles and my nail polishes and my spoons. i must have had a husband because there is a mark around this finger that is less tan and i keep rubbing the smooth area with my thumb. was my wedding beautiful- were you there? i hope that i was beautiful and that i was thin. i must have had a baby once. there is picture of my fingers holding a first response that says that i did. where did she go? i hope that she had my nose and that she knows her way. did we cry? i can't remember. did i have ever have a garden? i hope that i grew peas and flowers and strawberries. i hope that the deer stole some before i shooed them away. did you ever meet my cat? there is a ball with a bell rolling inside my drawer and it must have been his. i hope that he slept on my feet at night and that he grew fat and old but that i never did. did you leave? i hope that i loved you. i must be alone.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

what to do when he's been looking for you

you're leaning there against your car.
he pretends that he's not looking at you,
and you pretend that your leg's not shaking.
He's fifteen
and you're sixteen
and it's not your car, it's your mom's four-door
that you stole from the church parking lot.
you wish that your hair was longer
and that your teeth were whiter,
but all he wants to do is kiss you.

you're leaning against your doorway.
you pretend that you're not three shots
past being too drunk and too lonely.
you're married
and he's a nomad in the city
and it's not that you're depressed,
it's that you're tired and confused and drunk
and feeling fat and abandoned and broke.
so maybe you are depressed.
but all he wants is to find you again.

you're leaning against your shovel
in a town that's pretending that it's not still winter.
among people who think that you're insane.
you are insane,
and he's insane.
and it's not that they just think that you are
you are, but it's over and now you don't drink
but you hide and seek and cry
because he's been looking for you again
and all he wants is to be closer.

you're leaning away from his arm.
you pretend that you're just distracted
and he pretends that he doesn't know that
he's right there
and you're over here,
and it's like he knows that you're broken.
you are, and he can't fix it anyway
but he wants to, and so he touches your hand
and this time you let him
because that's what to do when he's been looking for you...

Sunday, December 18, 2011

dear blame

you're the first one in line
being distributed and assigned
a lonely night, an empty glass
a broken window, a kiss in a flash
where are you now?

you're hanging on my rib cage
disjointed words on the page
a hollow pleasure to pass you
hidden next in the queue
what have you done now?

you're slurring with alcohol
dripping from tongues that call
calling for redemption
on the brink of condemnation
where has the judge put you now?

you'll never let us keep sleeping
never sleep until i'm weeping
when he's too tired to remember
when he's trying to love me forever
you've had your way-
will you leave us alone now?

i never wanted you here
i was shaking when i heard him calling
i felt sick when i saw you coming

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

married christmas

In the shadow of a rain cloud
Through the droplets on my window
I'm muted by your buttons
I'm muted by your sorrow
the phone has long ceased ringing
There's nothing else you can know

Through weeks of Christmas raining
The wreaths are caked with mud
Youre waiting for my ringing
And muted by the carol singing
The snow will miss this holiday
There's nothing else you can say

Next to Jesus in a manger
we could pray a little louder
muted by the choir tongues
hushed by a stranger in muted light
you were left on your own last year
There's nothing else you can fear

Thursday, December 8, 2011

gin and tonic

when i'm running from you
it's today.
when it's our time
it's now.
you dressed me a gown
you landed in my town
you mended that dress
i reveled in my mess
that's yesterday.
a drink in the snow
a christmas no-show
it's possible.
when i'm missing you
it's today.
when it's past time
it's now.
i tipped your glass
you watched me pass
you drank it down
i started to drown
it's tomorrow.
i'll stop running
you'll stop sipping
if you'll be my chaser
if i can be your chaser

Thursday, December 1, 2011

dearest vulpecula

you'll die alone in the sky
that flash of cunning in your eyes
won't save you from the night
though you'll gnash and gnaw and bite
your cage and the neck of the goose
you'll never be set loose
from those tragic, starry ties

i'll die alone in the trees
that flash that only god sees
in that prism of northern light
i can't be saved by my sight
though i search the dust for your tracks
your soft black toes padding back
to your den, again
to evade me despite my pleas

we'll die as sketches on the page
that flash of life that we waged
a blue eyed girl, a black eyed beast
alike in our wild mystery, at least
i ate the heart, you ate the goose
you chased your grave, i tied my noose
come,little fox, paws to hands to our grave

chasing Anser through the dark
you burn out like a spark
light years wisping through our fur
to your den, again
to my arms, again