to my dearest bastard, sleep

at 3am you're flushed like an adulterer's pink skin in the late hours of affairs and when you roll over i'm feeling cheated and exhausted and you've got that sweaty smirk again. just before you creep away you suck away the last warmth from the sheets and i am cold and nearly naked. i don't know why you had to go. i know that i've been needy and dependent and weepy. but you're never here and when you are i'm afraid that you're going to light a match in the night and be gone at the flicker of my eyelids. do you remember the night that you never came home? i've never felt so lost. i threw up twice and drank some wine and took some pills and you still never showed. i would have changed the locks but we both know i'm too weak without you and all you have to do is lay in bed with me once and i'll forget everything else. so you've got the upper hand. you always fucking have. i'm just desperate enough now to admit it. when i was younger you used to be all over me. i couldn't keep you off. we'd lay twisted in the sheets until noon. i'm still that girl but i suppose i perfected playing hard to get and you liked it so well that now that's all you want. it's time to relax and stop playing games. so i've got plans for you tonight. i've cried enough over you and i'm done trying to understand or sway you. stay or leave, either way i'll be wide awake.